This January I find myself (surprise..) pondering paradoxes and peculiarities of life.
Isn’t it strange how there always seem to be missing one or more pieces in the jigsaw-puzzle of components to your wellbeing and happiness?
You work to discover, create or retrieve – occasionally, gracefully receive – a few pieces and they fall into their perfect place, but then some other ones mysteriously seem to go missing. Hrmmff.
It’s like there is always, metaphorically speaking; a stone in your shoe. It just varies in size, shape and how unpleasant or painful it pressures against your foot.
Is it a trick of the ego/mind; always noticing what is wrong or lacking, like it’s so used to do?
Probably the answer lies in the very words: “used to”.
As we grow we build a familiar sense and perception of ourselves through life occurrences and events; of how things just “are” for us. How things “always” turn out for us. It’s the familiar, safe size, no matter how stunted an existence it really is.
-perhaps by now, I would be unable to feel like or recognize myself in a happier, healthier scenario?
Those old ruts are so deeply ingrained; all these f***! patterns with roots in doing what was once rewarded and approved of. All my inside responses to outside influences created the sweet and ever-understanding “good listener” or the self-effacing, unassuming “quiet girl” (which I’ve been named more than once); fine traits, but unfortunately, they often become imbalanced with some long-term consequences.
As children, us sensitive ones pick up on the subtlest signs of threat, rejection or disapproval; the slightest misalignments with others (all children do to some extent). It is probably one of the things I’ve worked the hardest at coming to grips with because it easily becomes unhealthy and is not always the truth about the situation. Luckily, time and experience have helped me become stronger and wiser through the years. Besides, how people respond to you is often not even about you.
Healing takes the time it takes. There’s no rushing the recovery process, no shortcuts around it – you have to trust your psyche and body’s inherent, natural wisdom. However slow it seems, you’re eventually forced to surrender to a higher power/love. To let go of fearful, fruitless attempts at controlling everything.
Still; at certain times, when I go through emotional triggers or my body is awfully fatigued with aching limbs (like now, where my right shoulder/arm hurts badly) I’ll lose faith; forget the bigger picture of this necessary, very deep transformation I’m currently in. Forget to be grateful.
Because, it – literally – feels like that metaphor of a sensitive empath being like a sponge who, energetically speaking, absorbs a lot of negative energies, soul-crushing beliefs etc. and then at some point is so saturated with it, that she has to have all that poisonous stuff “squeezed” out of her again.
Well; I certainly feel squeezed…but still trust that it’s, in fact, the breaking through a cocoon and into a brand-new, much better and more authentic way of living. Like the butterfly finally being able to spread its delicate, paper-thin wings and soar the warm summer skies, drinking nectar from a myriad of blooming wildflowers on a serene meadow field; emanating pure lifeforce 🙂
-inner and outer nature at long last naturally reflecting one another, fully.
The deep soul-knowing alongside a reality that doesn’t match up yet, is its own form of agony, though. Until divine time arrives, we apparently have to make do with “the whine time”..haha..sigh
Best to choose to put on a fresh, crystal-clear set of “glasses” and not the old ones which are only able to display projections from the past. Accessing this higher vision, I’m able to see how everything slowly but also quite magically, unfolds and falls into place in my life: dreams and wishes slowly come true: my longstanding desire for fulfilling and meaningful work, deep love and devotion are slowly taking shape or revealing itself.