The long journey Home

 I ponder a lot about the concept “home” these days. To own a home or more precisely; to feel at home.

 There’s this tv documentary series running on danish television at the moment. We follow a homeless man Henning and his cute dog companion Felix – biking all around Denmark in summertime. He meets a lot of different types of people on his journey. Along the way he sleeps outside in nature or in hospitable people’s gardens, spare rooms or barns.

People are all around very kind and generous – it’s just so life-affirming to see:)

 I envy him for his easygoing, extroverted ability to connect immediately with the many strangers he meets (an ability I wish I had a little more of..)
 Not 100% sure about the backstory for his homelessness; but something like buying a house with hidden damages or defects, some years back. This sadly threw him into financial and emotional crises; and so a downward spiral unfortunately began.
-but the experience has actually made him stronger, freer and wiser in the end, he says.
 Buying a house was also once my idea of how to get my own private safe spot of belonging in the world. To acquire something outside myself – in a hopeful attempt to patch up something missing on the inside.
 Turns out it was not quite that simple. But don’t we humans just do this kind of “patching up” all the time?

-for one thing; we wouldn’t be so susceptible to buying all kinds of “promising” stuff if we didn’t sense a lack of some sort!

 The thing is; it’s seldom only, like in this case, about owning a comfortable house.
For some, it’s more about displaying a shining monument of success in society or a facade of conformity.

For others (myself included) it’s more the notion of possessing a place of safety, warmth, nurturance and serenity. A place to play, rest and recuperate. And not least; a profound sense of fitting in and belonging – loving what you do as well as the people around you. Perfectly in tune and aligned with your surroundings.

Basically: being your truest self, completely at ease in your own skin as well as the world.

That must be the ultimate feeling of being Home, I think!

 For most of us this blessed “state of being” resides somewhere in early childhood. Before you gave up bits and pieces of yourself here and there – sometimes even essential parts of your soul – in order to fit into/survive in family and society.
 Way back when all your traits and aspects were still joined together in a harmonious synthesis = feeling happy and natural – whole and complete. Simple and pure.

 It seems to be a very long and winding road to get back to that “state”. With a lot of delays, detours and dead ends. It has been for me, anyways..must be as long/far away as to the extent that you’ve been led away from your true self or have unknowingly led yourself astray, I guess.

To get “there” it seems you have to follow a track back through buried painful emotions from your past. Old (suppressed) emotions will arise along the way, through present life circumstances. You are thereby given an opportunity to choose to feel them through to the root this time around.
– and then you can finally move on from where you once closed down, froze up. Got stuck.

 That’s why certain dynamics and patterns sometimes re-appear over and over in our lives, I think. They re-occur as pointers until we choose (or are able) to feel down to the core of whatever buried pain we have been running from since childhood.

Still, sometimes doubt creeps in; if there really is any deeper message behind recurring pain?

-perhaps life is just often times cruel and it’s a romantic or childish illusion that such a perfect place/state of being even exists? 

Dark nights of the soul/times with dreadful doubts sometimes last for a while. 

 But eventually (luckily!) what happens in the end, is that a deep remembrance from within me, stubbornly and persistently arise again to claim otherwise.

I do appreciate my current cozy home in lots of ways. And I’m closer than ever before to my desired sense of being Home. But the feeling of belonging completely is still somewhat missing.

I hope my true Home will soon appear.

Doesn’t matter if it’s unassuming or simple – like this adorable little house – as long as the right warm and happy feeling inside my heart is in place:)



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