This ties in with my latest blog-post about saying wholeheartedly yes – lately a particular issue has come up for me (and don’t it just always, soon after you declare a new “creed”;))
I feel a pull towards “doing some good” in the world – by helping and supporting sensitive people who might benefit from what I have learned so far. And I feel that my abilities and gifts are aligned with this type of work, too. But yet a certain dilemma sometimes pops up to confuse or hold me back. I have explored it thoroughly, and found the core components to be:
An (old) feeling; like I somehow have to take the “supporting” role (again). And feeling a tiny bit resentment, because there already has been many “have to” situations in my life.. Even if this role comes naturally to me, being both highly sensitive and empathic; I DO wish everybody, and in particular us sensitive people, could learn how to love our selves, do what we love and truly flourish.
-My artistic side or the inner “magical” child in me, are more inclined towards completely spontaneous and authentic expressions; not thinking about whether anybody can use what I express or create in any “useful “ manner or not. Just to happily create in total freedom – not having to justify my existence by being of use to anybody.
But is it to serve, just being creative or simply being a role model of self-love?
It probably all relates to the child I once were: the little girl who felt she had to grow up to fast/soon, to conform to what she (easily) sensed that her surroundings needed/wanted from her – and who didn’t quite got to be carefree, spontaneous and playful for as long as she needed and wished to (would she have been able to articulate it herself, back then).
There are still from time to time remnants of this conflict in me and if you boil it even further down it is:
Should I choose to fulfill my own needs or those of others?
Well, that is certainly a tough and really; impossible choice to make – naturally it is not at all either/or, the inner child in me just has a tendency to view it as such; guess I (subconsciously) felt like it was, a very long time ago when this pattern got formed in me.
And even with my current level of maturity and awareness, it still can be difficult to discern and untangle this stuff: what is internalized ideals about what it means to be of service or “do good” stemming from outside voices, and what are true desires from my own heart?
-I apparently haven’t resolved this yet; it is a theme that other sensitive, artistic and spiritually minded people probably also deal with, sometimes. But just writing about it has (as usual) given me a deeper understanding – which always makes me feel a bit more compassion for myself and my often “muddled” inner landscape.
So; to offer some enlightening words to myself and others with similar issues:
This is, of course, a false dilemma!
It is not at all either/or – on the contrary; your most honest expressions, be it artistic or otherwise, will also always be the ones that resonate most deeply with others and thus has the power to do the most good.
If it is not coming from an honest place and a full heart, then forget about it!
P.S. Increasing clarity is one of the biggest gift of the writing-processJ