I gained some of the lost weight back, here in november/december. But still have pains and aches in my body/muscles often. Mostly at night time. And I still look rather tired and worn out. Well; okay….that’s of course only about vanity;)
But after the diagnose CFS this summer, a certain peace came over me. I simply surrendered, I guess.
Having felt my health slowly decline in the last couple of years. With all the accompanying worry about what that would mean; what would happen, how I was going to make it through and so on (and so on..).
No longer able to push myself by using mere willpower.
It’s strangely paradoxical because I actually have a sense of optimism about the future, now. As it usually is with me: it’s because I’m able to find some benevolence in it or behind it.
It’s like you’ve been running from a major fear your whole life and then it finally catches up with you. There can be a strange relief in that. To finally stop all that exhausting running.
– it seems you cannot run away from the fears “lurking” inside you. Not forever anyway.
For me, it was about feeling completely powerless and being at the mercy of others or the “system”. Others that you don’t trust to understand your (sensitive) needs or have your best interest at heart.
Scary, primal, survival stuff. Deeply ingrained in the subconscious mind. Even though I’ve had to go through a lot of very unpleasant sensations and emotions, I am okay with it. Because it feels as if I gain just a little more inner peace each time I’ve felt my way through an old, suppressed emotion. After it has been released.
It all makes some sense to me, then. Sure wish it had not been necessary for me to get so low. But still; it feels like I’m moving in the right direction. Perhaps it was even a blessing in disguise?
Because one good thing happened in 2016: I actually started writing what seems to become a book and that’s amazing. Wasn’t at all sure that I would be able to!
I’m so grateful to discover that when I keep the faith, then I’m in safe hands even at my weakest.
Also grateful for the ones closest to my heart, who provided a stable, loving voice during this time <3
My scars don’t define me. My fears don’t define me. My past doesn’t define me.
The Essence of who I am – who we all are – transcends every trauma, sickness, misfortune, failure or mistake. As well as any perceived personal flaw or weakness.
A realization I had some years back, but keep forgetting and have to remind myself of.
– over and over and over and over and over and over..
Scarred for Life Scared for Life
No: Sacred for Life!
I wish you the most blessed and wonderful 2017:
Happy New Year!