My body is my teacher

I went to the doctor’s office this week and it was kind of an unsettling experience.
 For the last couple of years my energy level has plummet drastically. And a variety of different and diffuse symptoms has arrived, including some weight loss. At first I thought it was because my digestive system was out of whack; I got it checked thoroughly + had blood test taken in the Fall 2015. They didn’t show anything wrong. I have on my own inclination been making some rather big changes to my diet all along, which has helped somewhat: now at least I don’t have stomach aches anymore. Great relief!
 
Then other symptoms showed up, the most persistent one is still feeling easily very drained and fatigued, but now if I physically push myself beyond my limits, I am getting bad muscle pains and tensions, sleeping poorly, feeling flu-like sick and weakened. Then I thought it might be my thyroid or metabolism being over active; the symptoms seemed to match. I was so certain it was that and I just had to get the right medication. But now a new possible diagnosis was brought up by my doctor: Chronic fatigue syndrome.  
 The doctor was new at the clinic; a bit of a peculiar old man with a dry sense of humor. Not displaying very much empathy (“well; there certainly isn’t much meat-juice in you!”..). But in retrospect he actually said some pretty spot-on things, too. Like:
“no need for getting more test done, beause it will just repeat your feeling of not being seen”. And: 
“now you have to focus on building yourself back up again”. 

 The doctors assistant who afterward kindly comforted me stated that:“I looked like something the cat dragged in”.And while I could have taken it as a rather depressing statement (J), it just felt like: finally, someone sees/acknowledges how I actually feel and takes my anguish seriously.
 
My body is sort of a (harsh) teacher for me right now – speaking in capital letters if I don’t treat it exactly how it needs. Any kind of trying to use willpower to make it do something (for to long), simply won’t work. I can’t do it anymore. I have a sneaking suspicion that my current state of being is linked to forcefully pushing myself too much/often in the past (and secretly feeling resentment) – in an attempt to live up to norms and ideals of society. Well, there are of course multiple factors. Others are more specific to my personal history, like feeling trapped between “opposing forces” (internally and externally) and having absorbed limiting family beliefs, crisis and stresses. It is a complex mixture, I guess.
 
 Come to think of it; in a way, this new situation resembles taking good care of an infant: I have to listen very carefully and be completely in tune with what it needs from moment to moment and day to day. And then actually choose to make appropriate decisions based on its (warning) signals. If I don’t, then I “reap” some rather painful consequences almost immediately. By now I am down to sometimes feeling physically sick even if it is “just” my mind that gets into a negative, cynical or hopeless loop or “stresses itself out”. I don’t seem to be able to cope with pressure; neither from inside nor outside!
 
And of course; you wouldn’t be speaking so cruelly to a small child, now would you?                
– in that respect, it definitely makes perfect senseJ
 Still, I don’t know quite how to view this diagnosis, yet – assuming it is correct. I guess I simply must accept it and become a responsible and loving caretaker of my body; give it sufficient rest and sleep, plenty, correct nourishment and attempt to live a life as free from stress as possible. To do (or no longer do..) whatever is necessary for me to recover. 

I wish all children – particularly sensitive ones who sense so much and feel so deeply – would be taught to understand and truly respect their body and feelings language, from an early age on. 
It is just so important!
 
The “Lesson” or what I would like to get across to you dear fellow HSP, is this:
Please don’t ignore or downplay your body’s signals, symptoms and feelings – its particular language. Even if nobody seems to understand or see good reason for them being there. It will only speak louder and louder, to get your attention. So listen carefully to it, respect it and make all possible and proper adjustments that you can. Your body really is your wisest teacher.
 After all; it is YOUR body and YOU are the only one who knows exactly how you feel!
 
 On a brighter side: my most treasured activities and interests, which is to be able to be creative and to express myself through writing, singing and art, luckily goes pretty much untouched by this illness.
 
Hooray for that!

A couple of landscape photos from around here where I live.

 

 

 

 

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