Honesty

Outside it has been snowing a bit. 
Strange how the weather often resembles my state of being.
 
I’ve never been particularly fond of the naked, barren, frozen landscapes or the decrease in daylight in wintertime. Even if winters in Denmark aren’t really that bad; they’re usually rather harmless or even mild.
 
But a touch of depression sneaks up on me anyway. The darkness gets to me.
This January I feel bluer than last year. All things considered, it is understandable. But sometimes I won’t admit how I really feel. Trying to sugarcoat my life circumstances. Trying to find the silver lining prematurely.

-don’t get me wrong; I AM grateful for the things I mentioned in my last blog post. But…I have other feelings, too. I won’t try to deny it.

Deny just how sad, angry and disappointed I actually feel, about where I’m at right now.

-about how my life has turned out, so far.

In spite of my willingness to look for the meaning or lessons in life’s occurrences.

Putting on a happy face, when it would be more truthful to put on an honest one. Well; old habits die hard, I guess.

I always try to distinguish between healthy self-compassion and wallowing in self-pity – but may slip into the latter from time to time;)
And there are of course people in the world that are much worse of, than me. But that thought is neither helpful nor comforting at all (how could it be, really?).
So: I miss a lot of things. 
I miss some loving arms around me from time to time. A tender gaze of belonging across the room. To have long and intimate conversations about deep stuff that matters. To share what and how I love with someone who feels the same way. Someone who completely gets it. Completely gets me. Because they are exactly the same way.
 
Being highly sensitive has often meant feeling drained in close relationships. Not initially, but after a while. Sometimes it is exhausting to always sense every tiny, little detail between us, the small frictions and disagreements. And especially when being so very affected by any kind of discord.
 
Any kind of disharmony feels so unsettling for my inner balance. It often takes a lot of time and inner work to regain it. It also takes me longer and longer to recover from any challenges or crises in my life.
 
Withdrawing and being alone is easier and..well; familiar. 
While in recovery, it has felt necessary. Especially because you don’t feel you have much to give at the moment. 
 
But admittedly; sometimes it simply feels lonely – even unfair.

 

 

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