Quite often in life, I’ve had a wave of inspiration hit me. Pondered on it for a stretch of time, then begun passionately creating something, really putting my heart and soul in it; blissfully absorbed in the pursuit. Only to let myself be stopped at a whiff of opposition from outside; occasionally at the cusp of a possible breakthrough. Sometimes it has been the lack of positive responses that stopped me. That familiar and depressing; “oh, who cares and what’s the use…” feeling.
It’s been a complex puzzle getting to the root cause of this self-sabotaging behavior but I’ve tracked the issue down to its main components, I think: a blend of the HSP mind being able to foresee each and every overwhelming (and possibly exhausting) implication of stepping onto new territory, mixed with low self-esteem and some wounding from childhood, causing doubt and fear which lastly turns into a sense of hopelessness at that crucial moment when power and perseverance as well as belief in yourself and your project are needed the most. Until now, there’s always been a faint but persistent sense of being defeated in advance, niggling at the back of my mind. Like my contribution is unimportant and my wishes not realistic or even allowed; which has to be a projection of the (far) past upon the future. It’s a potentially soul-crushing experience that is nonetheless quite common, at least for sensitive, artistic people, I’m sure.
Sadly, becoming aware of the deadly mix. although necessary, is not enough to change it. It’s been a very slow process of dissolving old limiting beliefs and feeling through repressed emotions buried inside at an early age. Learning how to speak to my inner child in a loving, supportive and empowering way is a crucial part, which I consistently have to work on. Another big step has been to stop hiding all of this; daring to be open about it, like in this blog. Being visible becomes possible when you fully realize that; yes, something seems to go wrong. More precisely; something went wrong or simply didn’t happen as it ought to at an earlier stage in your developmental journey.
But there’s nothing wrong with you. There actually never was.
I’ve done this tiresome ”dance” a few times, and if I wasn’t by now finally past my usual self-blame/shame inflictions (which was part of the problem in the first place), I would still be embarrassed about these former failed attempts. These shortcomings of mine. These thorns in my side.
The supposed failures were merely lessons and necessary growing pains or even stepping stones to get me to where I am at, right now. These thorns have provided me with a depth of understanding; a level of insight which would be impossible without them being there; painfully drawing my attention to what was unhealed or in the dark.
None of us knows what internal battles are going on in another person’s psyche; secretly draining them. How many invisible thorns they have, plaguing them. This time at my current level of awareness, I’ve decided to look at it in a different way:
Yes, I dream of publishing my book. Yes, this feels like a calling and I would love to be an acknowledged and best-selling Author, fully flourishing and earning a decent living through my writing. Of course!
But the aim is no longer to achieve something outside of myself; some perceived outer measure attesting to me being a success in life; whatever that means. It becomes too defining and thus too important.
I have to feel equally worthy if it fails. My inner child needs reassuring it is so.
I don’t have children but I have a huge heart for the precious inner child inside us which tend to go more or less into hiding. That happy, spirited, open, imaginative, loving and free “Wonderchild” with the ability to imagine endless opportunities and find beauty and magic in the smallest of things (may I never lose that ability!). That super sensitive child within us which sadly too readily adapts, conforms or ends up timidly and fearfully hiding away at some point through our formative years.
No, the real success is the transformation of me; the sacred alchemy of integrating aspects that were once wounded. Aspects seemingly lost but merely was hiding in the shadows of my subconscious. Seen in this way; any remaining aching “thorns”, are leading the way – like a ladder to climb upon towards the light. Towards integration and wholeness. Towards full psychological, emotional and spiritual maturity.
I realize that in spite of the last few years outward identity loss, setback and forced slowness, growth has in fact been happening on the inner plane. Well, I’m definitely still (and always) a work in progress but I feel more at home and more like my true self now than ever before in adult life 🙂